Keeping the spark ...

So for the past six or so weeks, I've been on the hormone roller coaster. I'm up, I'm down, sometimes I don't even know how I feel. It's all very strange to me.

Unfortunately, hubby seems to catch all of the moodiness. Ironically, about two months ago, he told me one of his friends/customers asked about me and he commented on how great of a preggo I was, that I didn't have any of those horrible mood swings you always hear about.

That's when he jinxed himself.

For me, I think it's just the anxiety of everything. I want to have the house in order. I want to make sure we have everything we'll need to get us through those first couple of weeks, because I'm pretty sure hubby will want to spend time at home with us, not running to the store. Honestly, I'm scared to be responsible for a newborn - I've never been around witty bitty babies without their parents, and they are so tiny, I'm afraid I'll hurt them. Fact: Last night, I had a dream that I couldn't burp the baby because I was so afraid of hurting him/her.

I'm a control freak, hubby is a go-with-the-flow guy. Hello, hormones!

Obviously, this irritates the crap out of me. Whenever I ask him to do something like vacuum, he says OK and after two hours of him sitting on the couch staring at the TV, it's going to make me go off. When he mows the lawn instead of panting, I'm gonna get upset. Enter my evil twin.

For weeks we fought pretty much every day about something and end up with me in tears. This wasn't good for our marriage or the baby, who totally reacts every time I get upset. So many times I've said I just can't keep fighting like that and vowed to give up and just lower my expectations. And two days later, we were back at it again. Seriously, I don't know how many times I told him that as bad as we were fighting over these crazy little things, we would have broken up had we not been married and expecting a babe. It was nothing earth-shattering, of course, just the constant bickering because we were both so headstrong.

This past week has been better. Then yesterday morning, he made a comment (that I don't even remember now, if that tells you how menial it was) that just rubbed me away. I thought about yelling back. I considered throwing the egg I was making him for breakfast in his face.

But then I decided that instead of focusing on what he was saying/doing that I didn't agree with, to listen to what he was saying, the point he was making. Yes, I am pregnant and yes, I have crazy hormones and am exhausted all the time. But does that really give me a free pass to treat my husband like a pile of dog crap 50 percent of the time? No. And of course he's not going to kiss up and fall all over me when I'm treating him that way.

In childbirth class, they teach you to try to visualizing a "happy place" when you are having those horrible contractions. I decided to try that in this situation. Instead of thinking about how mad I was and all the things I wanted to do/say, I reminded myself how much I love my husband and told myself to remember that. I closed my eyes and remembered our wedding day and the moment that we locked eyes while I was walking down the aisle. Then I walked off to begin getting ready for the day.

You know what? He immediately noticed the difference. As I walked him to the front door to lock up, he apologized for his attitude. Last night when we got home from work, he helped me do a few things in the nursery.

Sometimes, you just have to quit pointing the finger at the other person, and turn it around to yourself ...