struggling

There are so many posts I could write about the things I am struggling with right now. Gosh, I thought going back to an 8-5 work schedule would be the trick, but it's not. Sure, I enjoy the extra hour I get at home in the evening, but it's still not enough.

But I'm rambling. What I'm really struggling with right now is breastfeeding. I know that none of you can give me an answer about what's right for me & my family, but I really just need a place to vent. And something to look back on over the next few months, when I guarantee that I'll have these same feelings and emotions several times.

I've never made it a secret that I didn't intend to breastfeed at all, let alone more than six weeks, and definitely not eight months. But it's worked ... rather well. Whenever my supply has dipped, I've always been able to boost it back up. I've not once had to supplement with formula, and I love having less bottles to wash, saving money, and the "ease" of nursing.

I can't put my finger on the exact reason, but I'm just really not feeling it any more. Honestly? I'm sick of pumping. I abhor hearing the whine of the pump. I'm sick of being the first one out of bed. I hate having to be careful of what I eat & drink. I hate stressing over my supply and ensuring that he has plenty to eat. Most of all, I am not loving that my little man is beginning to use his teeth while nursing, and is just so squirmy.

Our nursing times used to be so sweet. We would sit in the glider and he would just stare in my eyes and it was one of my favorite times of the day. No matter what, no one could take that time away from me & my boy.

At this point, I'm just not sure what to do. I've considered exclusively pumping, but that would be a pain in the rear, take up more time in the morning/evening, and be more dishes, so it's probably a definite no.

I can give myself an attitude adjustment and tell myself to keep trucking on. I've made it over 8 months, so I'm 2/3 of the way there. It's working, so why quit now? Plus, unless there are any unforeseeable circumstances, my freezer stash will probably last for two to three weeks of "daytime" feedings, so come November, there's a good chance I can ditch the pump and just begin nursing morning & evening.

And of course, I can just throw in the towel right now. There is some "mommy guilt" associated with that. Plus the hit our bank account will take. But gosh, the freedom I feel it would give me would probably be priceless. No more wearing "nursing/pumping appropriate" clothing. No more having to find the right place to pump. No more taking the time out of my day for the pumping and all the feedings when we are at home. And no more having to swat away Cooper every morning while I pump because he is enthralled with the cords.

I've been working on this post for a few days. It's been ... a struggle ... to say the least. And now, I think I've decided to just pull on my big girl panties and continue as long as is possible. It's working, it's free, and it really is what's best for my little Cooper.

I can't guarantee that, come Nov. 23, I'll still be nursing. But, I also can't guarantee that I won't continue with one or two nursing sessions beyond his first birthday. I can say that those times when I'm nursing and our eyes lock, however, make it all worth it.

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Wednesday randoms

• Whew. The past two weeks, I've come to work on Wednesday and the week is halfway over. Today, it wasn't until noon that I hit humpday. Boy, am I glad it's on the downside now. I worked 13 hours yesterday and have been on the phone most of today, so I'm beat.
• Hubby bought me some tanning minutes a couple months ago and I was doing a great job of keeping some color, but this crazy work schedule has taken it out of me.
• A couple months ago I got a wild hair {pun not intended} and had about four inches of my hair chopped off. I needed it, but I miss it.
• My hair is in desperate need of a highlight, but it hasn't really held color since I got pregnant, so I figure why waste the money.
• This weekend I would like a book and a pool.
• I'm actually taking "off" on Friday and am so excited to have nothing to do ... or maybe clean house at a more leisurely pace.
• I've been working on this blog post for THREE HOURS and this is as far as I've gotten.
• No less than 12 post-it notes are scattered around my desk. Seriously, Michelle?
• My car is in desperate need of being vacuumed.
• The first couple hours of the day drug by, the middle flew, and now I feel the next 1.5 hours are going to drag as well.
• My supply has dipped again. Ugh. I think it's a combination of it tanking last week because I was at main campus and not pumping as much, as well as cycling ... Bring on the Fenugreek and power pumping!
• I'm getting the itch to go through my closet again. I last did it in the early  spring when I wasn't quite back to my pre-preggo size, but now that I am, I'm finding lots of shirts that are too short or just don't fit right.
• We're going to try avocado tonight :) Personally, I think the stuff is gross.
• So far, Cooper's favorite foods have been sweet potatoes and sweet peas. Kid LOVES his peas. Surprisingly, he hasn't been too thrilled with bananas.
• I feel like I'm rambling, so I'm just going to stop right there ...

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breastfeeding revisited

If you would have told me how passionate I would be about breastfeeding six months ago, I would have laughed in your face. For reelz.

If you've been around awhile, I really hashed out my feelings in this post. If you are new, check it out.

Although it's getting a bit harder now that Coop has great ears and head control to look around when he wants to be nosy, I still love it! Primarily the closeness {nobody else can do it!} and the beautiful eyes just staring into mine.

With the six-month mark so quickly approaching, in addition to just experiencing some issues with low supply, I thought it was a good time to update.

For the most part, we stay on a great schedule, nursing in the morning and once or twice in the evening. Now that he's up to 8 oz. bottles, it's usually just once, around 8 p.m., then off to bed. I pump after the morning feeding {he only nurses on one side} and two to three times at work - around 10, 1 and 3:30. Sometimes I do just before bed as well, but that all depends on what time C's final nursing session is. On the weekends, I try to nurse exclusively, or only one bottle if needed. Pumping and bottle feeding just seems like such a waste of time and resources. Breastfeeding is SO much easier, and I really detest washing those bottles at night.

Anyhow, last week we had some issues, and I'm pretty sure it's due to the whack schedule I had. On Wednesday, I had a long work day and didn't pump for the first time until 1:30 p.m. During my 12-hour day Thursday, I pumped once, then didn't get to nurse when I got home and pumped again. By Friday, this had all taken its toll, and instead of pumping 5-6 ounces each session, it was more like 4 oz.

Over the weekend, it was no bottles in hopes of boosting my supply. I could tell I wasn't producing as quickly, because C was eating much more frequently - like every three hours, similar to his newborn days.

I'm sure my getting sick didn't help any of this either. Then yesterday, for the first time, I didn't pump enough to feed Coop the next day. No, I didn't have to dip into the freezer stash, as I had some extra in the fridge. But I hated the feeling and it had me terrified I was about to dry up. I went through tons of water and began popping the Fenugreek again. I researched the meds I am on right now to make sure they aren't linked to a dip in supply. In fact, I considered throwing it out, but figured that really wouldn't do any good.

This morning, for the first time in a week, I woke up with my rock-hard boobs again. And I laughed. Who would have thought I'd miss those so much?

What I'm learning about breastfeeding is that, just like anything, it will be filled with ups and downs. It's really basic - drink plenty of water, don't stress too much, and stay around the babe as much as possible.

We are still trucking along rather well, in my opinion. If I had to guess, I'd say that my freezer stash is now around 500 ounces, and next week, I'm going to begin cleaning that out and freezing everything I pump, since it's recommended to use frozen milk within six months.

Right now, I have my eyes on the prize of making it a full year breastfeeding. I feel like we've come so far, and it's just so comfortable on the schedule we have now, which I'm sure is more or less what we'll maintain until he is 1. I am flexible however, and very mindful that my body may decide differently. If so, we aren't opposed to supplementing with formula, but I've decided that I will continue to pump/nurse as much as I can - why do four formula bottles a day if you just need one?

This past week's events make me even more anxious about potentially leaving Coop for a few days for Branson {we still haven't received the letter that we are for-sure going, but it looks very promising!}. But right now is too soon to start worrying about that. Once we get the details, I'll have a talk with our lactation consultant to see what they recommend, and we may look into asking my parents to come down for the weekend as well to keep an eye on Mister and allow me to nurse a couple times a day.

If you are/were a breastfeeding mom, what are your suggestions?

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Me as a Mom: Breastfeeding

This wraps up the list of posts I planned to write, so far, about my mommy experience. If you have any questions about anything else, just let me know and I'll address it! I do plan to do a post of all my favorite products every three months or so :)

So I figured it was about time to go ahead and dedicate a post to breastfeeding. Cooper is 11 weeks old and still exclusively breastfed :)

For us, it works. I realize that for others, it may not - and I definitely don't judge people one way or another. But I feel very blessed I can breastfeed, despite my feelings on it pre-baby.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'd hoped (while still pregnant) that something would come up and I would be unable to continue breastfeeding. Honestly, I didn't see myself going much past two months. Around one month, I figured I would aim to do it for six months. Now, I'm thinking that it would be awesome to go a full year. And I constantly freak out about supply issues, although I haven't had to dip into my freezer supply yet, and typically freeze at least one five-ounce bag a week. It's not a lot, but it helps keep me sane. 

Honestly, I wouldn't have even breastfed in the first place if it weren't for hubby's urging. We were both formula babies and turned out yet fine. I didn't want to be attached to my kid at all times. It just plain grossed me out. In the beginning, it hurt.

But I'm a good wifey and promised hubby I would try. Right on, I LOVED the bond/connection I had with Cooper. I still get a great feeling when someone else is holding him and he's hungry because only I can calm him in that way. It's actually kind of a mischevious feeling, haha.

I had Cooper on a Wednesday and we came home on Friday. We didn't seem to have any issues in the hospital. There, they gave me some soothies and had me begin wearing them early on (mamas, you must get these! They are expensive if you buy them, but worth it!). He was a very good, efficient nurser and really only went every four or so hours. I was a bit concerned about this because "they" say babies should eat eight to 12 times a day, but the doctors said he was gaining just fine, so keep doing what we were doing.

As luck would have it, my milk came in on Saturday, our first day without the help of nurses. Holy crap, that was bad. I had no idea what to do. Of course, that's also when my n*pples began to hurt. Seriously, every time Cooper latched on, it felt like a million or so needles were being stuck. The cream didn't even seem to work (later on, it did - and I quit using it between two and three weeks.)

Our hospital really encourages breastfeeding. A lactation consultant visited with us both days in the hospital, and actually sent me home with a pad full of pads, more soothies, etc. (Tip on the soothies - have two sets to alternate and keep one in the fridge!) Anyhow, the LCs have a cell phone they encourage you to call at any time. So I call, in tears. And end up getting the voicemail. I was in so much pain, so frustrated and so hormonal, I was about to begin pumping only.

While I waiting for her to call back, I pulled out the pump and got busy. Only to realize later I should have sterilized everything first so I had to pour about 8 ounces down the drain. Yeah, that was bad.

Once the LC called back, she gave me awesome advice. She encouraged me to wait another week and promised it would get better soon - probably in just a few days. She also told me that if I only pumped, I would in no way be able to produce enough and would have to start supplementing soon.

So that's what I did - toughed it out. And it did get better. Soon, the only issue was the cluster feeding in the evening, but that went away around four weeks. It was tough though - I would feed and burp, and in no time he wanted to eat again. No matter what time I went to take a bath, he'd decide he was starving and wanted to eat RIGHT NOW.

I also pumped A LOT during those first couple weeks, figuring it would never hurt to have extra in the freezer.

We introduced a bottle when Cooper was just over one month old. I was nervous but he did GREAT and has no problems swapping between boob and bottle. Until I went back to work, he just had a bottle of pumped milk at bedtime every night, which was a great way to make sure he was getting enough to eat and getting him used to the bottle.
By about four weeks, my supply leveled off a bit. Then the week before I went back to work, I realized I needed to make sure I would continue to make enough, since it seemed Coop was a pretty big eater - right now, people are shocked I'm able to keep up with him when they hear how much he takes in a bottle.
I did some research (and my LC later confirmed this was the best process) to see what I should do. Basically, it recommended pumping after EVERY feeding, even if it was only an ounce or less. Breastfeeding is such a supply and demand thing, and by emptying, you tell your body you are out and to make more.

So here's our loose schedule:
Morning - nurse (typically 6:30 a.m., but whenever he woke. Sometimes twice if he woke in middle of nice.) Pump after feeding.
Pump 3 times while at work. Usually 9:30, noon and 2:30. Up to this week, he would typically finish three 5 oz. bottles while at the sitters - around 9:30-10 a.m.; 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. Luckily, I seem to produce 4 to 5 ounces at each feeding so I can keep up. This week, however, we bumped him up to 6 ounce bottles because he was getting fussy about a half hour later. I'm taking three 6 ounce bottles but it seems he is only finishing two and then maybe another 3 ounces as a snack.
Nurse at home (usually around 6-7 p.m.)
Nurse for bedtime feeding - typically 9 - 10 p.m., as we wait three hours between this feeding. For the past couple weeks, I've been empty but he's still been hungry, so I've also been giving him 2-3 ounces from a bottle which seems to do the trick - he's full and happy and sleeps eight to nine hours.

Weekends are a bit different, as Coop seems to like to eat more often when he's around me. It's often every 2-3 hours.

When we began adding the bottle of pumped milk in addition to nursing at bedtime, it seemed Cooper was consuming more than I was pumping most days. So I began taking Fenugreek (two pills three times a day) and that has really helped. I'd say that now I'm pumping an extra 4 to 5 oz. per day now. I know I could have gotten up around 2 a.m. to pump as well and I would if I had to, but it's hard to get up just to pump when your baby is sleeping through the night. And now, I think I pump as much after he eats in the morning as I would in another session anyhow.

Breastfeeding definitely isn't all sunshine and daisies though. I constantly worry whether he is getting enough, whether I am eating healthy, if something I eat will upset his tummy, etc. I felt horrible at his two week checkup when he was still 2 ounces below birth weight. The doctor tried to reassure me, but still... Even now, that I see he is growing, I'm still concerned. We know a baby born two days after Coop who weighed about two lbs. less who is now 1 lb. more! But, this other child is a formula baby and I'm told they gain faster. So I'm trying to let it go and be more confident.

In terms of food, I actually eat pretty much whatever I want, but still stay away from fish that may contain mercury. I down at least four bottles of water daily. I do drink alcohol, but only about one drink every three hours. A blog friend sent me an article and I have the link somewhere, if anyone is interested, that backs up why this is OK.

But there are so many plusses. I mean, first off, you don't have to worry about contamination. Next off, it's great for postpartum weight loss - I totally credit breastfeeding for me losing all the baby weight in 1.5 weeks and being back in my regular jeans in two weeks. It's easy too - I know how much I hate washing those damn bottles and all their parts every night (we use Dr. Browns) so I'd really hate doing more - not to mention how, if he does need a middle-of-the-night feeding, I can have him fed in less time than it would take to heat a bottle. (Thanks for bringing me to reality on this, Ashley.)

And, uh, what about the fact that it's FREE? So happy we aren't spending 100 bucks a month just on formula. Most of all I know, without a doubt, that it's the best thing for my son and formulated to his needs - it really is amazing that our bodies can not only make milk, but how it changes over time.

I've been working on this post for awhile. I will indicate that last week, I believe I had a clogged duct. Once again, our LC came to the rescue and simply ordered me to pump more often (if possible) so I could keep things moving.

Oh, did I mention how GREAT my employer is when it comes to breastfeeding? Luckily, I am in an office with no windows, so I can simply close the door. And, I have a fridge in my office. But our employee handbook states that nursing mothers will not only be given the time to pump, without penalty, but also the space to do so if they don't have office space like mine. My LC says to consider myself very fortunate for this.

I always wanted to know what others used, so here's my rundown:

• Nursing bras. I bought two sleep bras and one "real" one that was kinda stretchy before he arrived. About a week before I went back to work, I bought two more. All from JC Penney and I like all of them.
• 2 nursing camis - one black, one white, and I'm constantly febreezing them :) I LOVE these. But now that I'm a bit more experienced, I can do the regular camis with a nursing bra beneath.
• I have a Medela double electric breast pump. Our LCs recommend these most. I can't find a link to my specific model because I actually ordered it through our local health department's WIC office. Here, those in a lower income class can "rent" pumps for however long they need and simply have to repay the deposit. Well we made too much money to qualify, but they said they would order me a pump and I would just have to pay the cost! Mine is similar to the Medela Pump In Style Advanced, it just has the cooler in the big bag and is khaki, not black. And I paid less than half of what the similar pump cost at Target! I will note that other pharmacies in our area rent pumps and while they are the commercial-grade ones, it would have cost me as much to rent one for 12 weeks as I paid for mine. And I would have had to buy new tubing, etc. So I'm already ahead :)
• Medela pump and save bags. I was one of those who thought if I had a Medela pump, everything should be! So far, I like these, although I have heard complaints. I think before I buy more, I'm going to thaw a couple bags to make sure they do OK. If not, I've heard great things about Lansinoh and Honeysuckle-brand bags.
• N*pple cream. The hospital gave me samples of Lansinoh and Medela and I preferred the Medela.
• Nursing pads. I got several samples. Guess what? I didn't like the Medela. I prefer the Lansinoh. They stick in place and stay much smoother. Although nowdays I don't really leak so I don't wear them anymore. I looked into getting washable, reusable pads, but a friend advised me against that, as they have been linked to thrush.

I'm hoping that Cooper and I can continue down this road and hit that one year mark. Although I have to admit, I'm a bit terrified of how things will feel once teeth come in :)

If you have any questions, PLEASE feel free to email me. I'm pretty sure I am the most understanding when it comes to concerns considering I never saw myself on this path.


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This & That

• We took Mr. Cooper to the doctor for his two month well check on Tuesday. That boy is a flirt! He was smiling at our doctor the whole time. Stats: 23.25 inches (50th percentile); 12 lbs. 5 ounces (75th percentile) and a head circumference of 38 cm. (25th percentile). Boy's growing - and about the size now that I was at four months!

• He had three shots and also had to down an immunization for Rotovirus. I am SO thankful that hubby was able to come to this appointment, because seeing my baby get shots absolutely killed me. Mental note: wear waterproof mascara next time! As soon as he was done, I nursed for about five minutes, and then we had lots of cuddles the rest of the night.
• This was our first appointment with his new doctor. We did not care for the pediatrician and ended up getting in with the family doctor like we'd wanted in the first place. It went very well and I felt a lot more support with my decision to breastfeed from this doctor.
• Speaking of breastfeeding, I totally eat like a teenage boy right now. Whenever I quit nursing, I will be in BIG trouble. Yesterday, I decided I wanted a side salad to go with my sandwich for lunch. And I ended up ordering a hot apple pie also. Balance, people. Over the past week, we've made cookies at 8 p.m. three times. Oh, and this morning I decided I needed a snack before it was even 9 a.m.
• Does anyone have HEALTHY snack ideas? It can't be too time-consuming because I am pretty much going from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. every day as it is, but I'd love to get away from the cheese crackers, granola bars, chips, trail mix and pretzels if I can - or at least do it in more moderation.
• So I've mentioned my love for Amazing Race and Big Brother on here before, yes? But I can't decide how I feel about Brenden & Rachel on Amazing Race. I hated Rachel her first season and liked her last. But the girl seriously annoys me. Wonder if they'll have to do a detour where the floaters need to grab a life vest?
• While making a diaper order on Amazon the other day before the Amazon Mom program changed, I tried to calculate how many diapers we would need in each size. And I realized that if we use all of our Size 1s which we should - they go to 14 lbs. while Size 2 starts at 12 - we will have used about 500 Size 1s. Yowza.
• I read about people whose babies only go through five or six diapers a day. How is that possible? Coop typically goes through about four a day while at home, and at least another four while at the sitters. Is it a boy thing?
• I'm debating what, if anything, I should get for my littlest Valentine this year. Maybe a book ... suggestions?
• Wouldn't it be nice if we still had nap time, like in kindergarten. Seriously, we had no idea how great life was as kids.

• I can't believe January is almost over. Seriously? I'm so glad, though, that the winter is going by quickly. I can't wait until summer time!
• Did I ever mention that we work "summer hours" for two months? 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. will stink, but having every Friday off will be the bomb-diggity.
• Yes, I just said bomb-diggity.
• Last week, I made this taco pizza and it was delish! We aren't veggie fans so I just had the biscuits, beans, meat and cheese. I actually thought it was a bit too heavy though, so the second time around, I topped it with sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes. So yummy.
• OK, time for another snack