Mother of the Year

Mother of the Year ... that's a phrase I use pretty often these days. And it's as sarcastic as it can be.

Take, for instance, the day a few weeks ago that my mom was over and Coop fell over and hit his head. He's done it before and this one wasn't near as hard as it's been, so after I glanced over and saw it was nothing, went on my way.

{We have a 'rule' in our house that we don't make a big deal out of falls, bumps, etc. In face, we usually cheer for him - don't want to raise a crybaby who just reacts.}

Anyhow, here's the conversation that followed:

Mom: "Michelle, he hit his head!"
Me: "Yeah. He's done it before, he's OK."
Mom: "But he hit it really hard. He's crying."
Me: "Well, if he's crying it means he's breathing."
{For the record, I did go over to give him some love, just not immediately.}

Mother of the Year right there...

Sorry if that makes you cringe. But seriously, he was fine - like I said, he'd done it before and it's just not something we obsess over. Yes, I am his mother and the source of comfort. But in being his mother, I also have that mother's intuition to know when something is wrong.

What I'm running into now are more of the internal struggles. I'm really hoping it's normal and that all my mommy friends aren't lying to me when they say it is.

Take, for instance, a few weeks ago. Cooper had been teething and I was home with him through the fussiness for a full day and a half. I'd planned to use my Friday to go shopping, but when that didn't pan out, I decided to just make a quick trip to Cape on Saturday and leave the boys at home.

Notsomuch. Hubby insisted that he and Coop accompany me. I tried to fight it, but couldn't convince them to stay at home.

Mother of the Year ...

Sunday, I was working hard trying to organize things in Cooper's room. If I told him to leave something alone once, I told him 10 times. Yes, I realize he is too small to really understand these things, but still. At the same time, hubby was outside working, I felt overwhelmed, and the twelth time that Cooper got into the diapers on the shelf, I totally raised my voice. "Cooper, will you please stop!" I said with mounting frustration.

Sweet angel baby, he looked at me and laughed. And I cried.

Mother of the Year ...

Apparently I was so loud when I raised my voice that hubby, who was actually downstairs, heard me. That night, I lost it. I told him I need a break - just one whole day to myself, not having to worry about work or family.

He replied that we're going to Branson on a work trip for him in a few weeks, so I'll get a break. "But Hubby, I need a full day without you OR Cooper. I want to go to the spa and turn off my phone."

Mother AND Wife of the Year ...

Honestly? I love those boys. So much my heart aches - cliche, but true. But a woman just needs a break every now and again! I told hubby to think of it this way - most every day of the week, he makes it home around 4:30 p.m. That gives him almost a solid hour of "me" time to kick up his feet or do whatever suits his fancy before I make it home. I am insanely jealous of that time.

I'm jealous that he gets to sleep in on the weekends while I am the one to get up. I'm jealous that he has the energy to stay up and watch TV, whereas I am falling asleep on the couch around 9 p.m., then waking up at 10 to pump and go to bed.

Please tell me this is normal. And while I may not be in the running for Mother of the Year, I shouldn't expect a visit from social services soon, right?

Dear God .... Thank you for all of the blessings you have given me. I am so, so fortunate that I have a wonderful, handsome hubby and sweet, angel baby to complain about. Clearly, I don't deserve this wonderful life with which you have blessed me. So, please give me the patience and understanding I need to live this life to the fullest!

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the most-asked question

Since the weather has been getting warmer, it seems like there are a ton of things going on, so hubby, Coop and I are getting out a lot more often.

Pretty much everywhere we go, we run into someone we haven't seen since Mister Cooper was born. And we almost always get the same question: How do you like being a parent?

I love it. More than I ever thought possible. I'm not sure words can even describe just how fortunate and blessed I feel. When I go to pick up my angel and the kids announce "Cooper's Mommy is here" once I walk in the door, it just makes me so happy.

Right now, I consider being "Cooper's Mommy" my No. 1 job. Yes, my marriage, other family and household jobs like cooking, cleaning & laundry are also important, but they aren't what life is all about anymore. Yes, I have a job, and although I really believe in what I'm doing, it's primarily a paycheck. I so wish I could use my retirement now and work until I'm 75, because I want this time with my baby.

After stressing when Cooper was first born and I returned to work about the house always being a mess, I've learned to let things go. All I have to do at night is prepare supper, bottles, and wash the pump parts. Everything else can wait, because Coop won't wait to grow up. I can't pause him while I wash a load of laundry. Dishes can always be washed, but my baby won't always want to sit in my lap and play with my hair and face and examine my hands like they are the most awesome things he's ever seen.

Being a mom is, by far, the hardest job ever. But it's the best one too. Walking into Cooper's room in the morning and seeing his smiling face while he does his leg lifts (gotta build up those abs!) makes my morning. Picking him up and feeling him tighten his grip on my shoulders or around my neck makes me feel like a superwoman. When he's sleeping in my arms, the clock seems to be on fast forward. Seeing him play and interact with his daddy melts my heart. I could spend all day, every day, with him and never grow tired of it.

That's not to say I don't, on some level, miss the independence I had before he was born. Instead of buying new clothes or things for myself, I use my extra money on my bubby. I can't remember the last time hubby & I got dressed up and went out on the town. Sure, I miss it, but when we aren't home with Coopy during "our" time, I miss my baby even more.

Becoming a mom is a powerful thing. For me, it knocked me off my feet and showed me exactly what life is about - putting others first and spending time with them. I may get frustrated when I'm trying to do dishes and Coop is whining. But how priceless is it when I stop what I'm doing, walk over and pick him up, and it's all smiles and giggles? It totally makes it worth it. Having a messy living room and mountains of laundry is OK as long as it means I've spent more time with my boy.

Being a mom is tough. But I've never once wished I was in a different situation. At the end of the day, I thank God for a happy, healthy baby, who is the most adorable little boy in the entire world. I'm so happy God picked me to be Cooper's Mommy!


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Me as a Mom: Breastfeeding

This wraps up the list of posts I planned to write, so far, about my mommy experience. If you have any questions about anything else, just let me know and I'll address it! I do plan to do a post of all my favorite products every three months or so :)

So I figured it was about time to go ahead and dedicate a post to breastfeeding. Cooper is 11 weeks old and still exclusively breastfed :)

For us, it works. I realize that for others, it may not - and I definitely don't judge people one way or another. But I feel very blessed I can breastfeed, despite my feelings on it pre-baby.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'd hoped (while still pregnant) that something would come up and I would be unable to continue breastfeeding. Honestly, I didn't see myself going much past two months. Around one month, I figured I would aim to do it for six months. Now, I'm thinking that it would be awesome to go a full year. And I constantly freak out about supply issues, although I haven't had to dip into my freezer supply yet, and typically freeze at least one five-ounce bag a week. It's not a lot, but it helps keep me sane. 

Honestly, I wouldn't have even breastfed in the first place if it weren't for hubby's urging. We were both formula babies and turned out yet fine. I didn't want to be attached to my kid at all times. It just plain grossed me out. In the beginning, it hurt.

But I'm a good wifey and promised hubby I would try. Right on, I LOVED the bond/connection I had with Cooper. I still get a great feeling when someone else is holding him and he's hungry because only I can calm him in that way. It's actually kind of a mischevious feeling, haha.

I had Cooper on a Wednesday and we came home on Friday. We didn't seem to have any issues in the hospital. There, they gave me some soothies and had me begin wearing them early on (mamas, you must get these! They are expensive if you buy them, but worth it!). He was a very good, efficient nurser and really only went every four or so hours. I was a bit concerned about this because "they" say babies should eat eight to 12 times a day, but the doctors said he was gaining just fine, so keep doing what we were doing.

As luck would have it, my milk came in on Saturday, our first day without the help of nurses. Holy crap, that was bad. I had no idea what to do. Of course, that's also when my n*pples began to hurt. Seriously, every time Cooper latched on, it felt like a million or so needles were being stuck. The cream didn't even seem to work (later on, it did - and I quit using it between two and three weeks.)

Our hospital really encourages breastfeeding. A lactation consultant visited with us both days in the hospital, and actually sent me home with a pad full of pads, more soothies, etc. (Tip on the soothies - have two sets to alternate and keep one in the fridge!) Anyhow, the LCs have a cell phone they encourage you to call at any time. So I call, in tears. And end up getting the voicemail. I was in so much pain, so frustrated and so hormonal, I was about to begin pumping only.

While I waiting for her to call back, I pulled out the pump and got busy. Only to realize later I should have sterilized everything first so I had to pour about 8 ounces down the drain. Yeah, that was bad.

Once the LC called back, she gave me awesome advice. She encouraged me to wait another week and promised it would get better soon - probably in just a few days. She also told me that if I only pumped, I would in no way be able to produce enough and would have to start supplementing soon.

So that's what I did - toughed it out. And it did get better. Soon, the only issue was the cluster feeding in the evening, but that went away around four weeks. It was tough though - I would feed and burp, and in no time he wanted to eat again. No matter what time I went to take a bath, he'd decide he was starving and wanted to eat RIGHT NOW.

I also pumped A LOT during those first couple weeks, figuring it would never hurt to have extra in the freezer.

We introduced a bottle when Cooper was just over one month old. I was nervous but he did GREAT and has no problems swapping between boob and bottle. Until I went back to work, he just had a bottle of pumped milk at bedtime every night, which was a great way to make sure he was getting enough to eat and getting him used to the bottle.
By about four weeks, my supply leveled off a bit. Then the week before I went back to work, I realized I needed to make sure I would continue to make enough, since it seemed Coop was a pretty big eater - right now, people are shocked I'm able to keep up with him when they hear how much he takes in a bottle.
I did some research (and my LC later confirmed this was the best process) to see what I should do. Basically, it recommended pumping after EVERY feeding, even if it was only an ounce or less. Breastfeeding is such a supply and demand thing, and by emptying, you tell your body you are out and to make more.

So here's our loose schedule:
Morning - nurse (typically 6:30 a.m., but whenever he woke. Sometimes twice if he woke in middle of nice.) Pump after feeding.
Pump 3 times while at work. Usually 9:30, noon and 2:30. Up to this week, he would typically finish three 5 oz. bottles while at the sitters - around 9:30-10 a.m.; 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. Luckily, I seem to produce 4 to 5 ounces at each feeding so I can keep up. This week, however, we bumped him up to 6 ounce bottles because he was getting fussy about a half hour later. I'm taking three 6 ounce bottles but it seems he is only finishing two and then maybe another 3 ounces as a snack.
Nurse at home (usually around 6-7 p.m.)
Nurse for bedtime feeding - typically 9 - 10 p.m., as we wait three hours between this feeding. For the past couple weeks, I've been empty but he's still been hungry, so I've also been giving him 2-3 ounces from a bottle which seems to do the trick - he's full and happy and sleeps eight to nine hours.

Weekends are a bit different, as Coop seems to like to eat more often when he's around me. It's often every 2-3 hours.

When we began adding the bottle of pumped milk in addition to nursing at bedtime, it seemed Cooper was consuming more than I was pumping most days. So I began taking Fenugreek (two pills three times a day) and that has really helped. I'd say that now I'm pumping an extra 4 to 5 oz. per day now. I know I could have gotten up around 2 a.m. to pump as well and I would if I had to, but it's hard to get up just to pump when your baby is sleeping through the night. And now, I think I pump as much after he eats in the morning as I would in another session anyhow.

Breastfeeding definitely isn't all sunshine and daisies though. I constantly worry whether he is getting enough, whether I am eating healthy, if something I eat will upset his tummy, etc. I felt horrible at his two week checkup when he was still 2 ounces below birth weight. The doctor tried to reassure me, but still... Even now, that I see he is growing, I'm still concerned. We know a baby born two days after Coop who weighed about two lbs. less who is now 1 lb. more! But, this other child is a formula baby and I'm told they gain faster. So I'm trying to let it go and be more confident.

In terms of food, I actually eat pretty much whatever I want, but still stay away from fish that may contain mercury. I down at least four bottles of water daily. I do drink alcohol, but only about one drink every three hours. A blog friend sent me an article and I have the link somewhere, if anyone is interested, that backs up why this is OK.

But there are so many plusses. I mean, first off, you don't have to worry about contamination. Next off, it's great for postpartum weight loss - I totally credit breastfeeding for me losing all the baby weight in 1.5 weeks and being back in my regular jeans in two weeks. It's easy too - I know how much I hate washing those damn bottles and all their parts every night (we use Dr. Browns) so I'd really hate doing more - not to mention how, if he does need a middle-of-the-night feeding, I can have him fed in less time than it would take to heat a bottle. (Thanks for bringing me to reality on this, Ashley.)

And, uh, what about the fact that it's FREE? So happy we aren't spending 100 bucks a month just on formula. Most of all I know, without a doubt, that it's the best thing for my son and formulated to his needs - it really is amazing that our bodies can not only make milk, but how it changes over time.

I've been working on this post for awhile. I will indicate that last week, I believe I had a clogged duct. Once again, our LC came to the rescue and simply ordered me to pump more often (if possible) so I could keep things moving.

Oh, did I mention how GREAT my employer is when it comes to breastfeeding? Luckily, I am in an office with no windows, so I can simply close the door. And, I have a fridge in my office. But our employee handbook states that nursing mothers will not only be given the time to pump, without penalty, but also the space to do so if they don't have office space like mine. My LC says to consider myself very fortunate for this.

I always wanted to know what others used, so here's my rundown:

• Nursing bras. I bought two sleep bras and one "real" one that was kinda stretchy before he arrived. About a week before I went back to work, I bought two more. All from JC Penney and I like all of them.
• 2 nursing camis - one black, one white, and I'm constantly febreezing them :) I LOVE these. But now that I'm a bit more experienced, I can do the regular camis with a nursing bra beneath.
• I have a Medela double electric breast pump. Our LCs recommend these most. I can't find a link to my specific model because I actually ordered it through our local health department's WIC office. Here, those in a lower income class can "rent" pumps for however long they need and simply have to repay the deposit. Well we made too much money to qualify, but they said they would order me a pump and I would just have to pay the cost! Mine is similar to the Medela Pump In Style Advanced, it just has the cooler in the big bag and is khaki, not black. And I paid less than half of what the similar pump cost at Target! I will note that other pharmacies in our area rent pumps and while they are the commercial-grade ones, it would have cost me as much to rent one for 12 weeks as I paid for mine. And I would have had to buy new tubing, etc. So I'm already ahead :)
• Medela pump and save bags. I was one of those who thought if I had a Medela pump, everything should be! So far, I like these, although I have heard complaints. I think before I buy more, I'm going to thaw a couple bags to make sure they do OK. If not, I've heard great things about Lansinoh and Honeysuckle-brand bags.
• N*pple cream. The hospital gave me samples of Lansinoh and Medela and I preferred the Medela.
• Nursing pads. I got several samples. Guess what? I didn't like the Medela. I prefer the Lansinoh. They stick in place and stay much smoother. Although nowdays I don't really leak so I don't wear them anymore. I looked into getting washable, reusable pads, but a friend advised me against that, as they have been linked to thrush.

I'm hoping that Cooper and I can continue down this road and hit that one year mark. Although I have to admit, I'm a bit terrified of how things will feel once teeth come in :)

If you have any questions, PLEASE feel free to email me. I'm pretty sure I am the most understanding when it comes to concerns considering I never saw myself on this path.


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Me As A Mom: Parenting

You know how, before you have kids, you always look at how others parent and say "my kid will never do that" or "I'm not doing that."

Then you become a parent. And some things change.

Take, for instance, co-sleeping. I never wanted to get into that business. I didn't want my babe getting spoiled to sleeping with mom and dad and us NEVER have any privacy again, like we've seen with some of our friends. And let's be honest, I was afraid I'd smother and kill him.

But when your baby just wants to be held and you've only gotten a few hour-long stretches of sleep, you change your mind quickly. It took one whole day of being home from the hospital for Cooper to end up in the crook of my arm as hubby and I desperately tried to get some sleep. It happens. While on leave, if he was fussy and I needed a nap, same thing.
We've found that Cooper is in a GREAT mood in the mornings. Which is just amazing - except on the weekends when we like to stay in bed a bit longer. So those mornings, once he is fed and changed, he comes back to bed with us for a bit, and sometimes falls asleep. It's OK. Once he gets older, he'll understand it's a treat.

I said I'd never let my kid be "babysat" by the TV or a toy. But there again, I was so wrong. While I was working at home on leave, I'd have the TV on and he would stare at it - our PAT person says a lot of kids like the contrast in colors. We've also found that, when all else fails, the swing works every time. No, we don't immediately shove him into it - first we try food, check diaper, hold, etc. - but we do refer to it as the magician.

All in all, I'd say that my parenting style is a flexible, roll-with-the-punches, listen to your gut type of thing. We never know how we would deal with a particular situation until we are confronted with it, and that's what I keep reminding myself. Furthermore, I am Cooper's mommy and truly believe I know what's best for my little man. I can read the books and hear the advice but in the end, I just have that feeling where I know, without a doubt, that what I'm doing is right.

I'm not much on changing the environment to fit my kid, but changing my kid to fit the environment - it's a lot easier for him to adapt, and that makes life easier when we are somewhere else and they don't think Cooper hung the moon like we do :) At home, if he falls asleep for a short nap, the TV and lights stay on. At my doctors appointment last week, the lights stayed on while we were waiting. His babysitter knows that too, and we've told her that her job is to make sure he has a full belly, clean diaper and stays alive. Slowly, he is figuring things out -  he's learned already that he doesn't get a bottle at daycare past 4 p.m., so he demands his last one at 3:50 (no lie.)

Luckily, I have an extremely supportive husband who happens to agree with and share my outlook. As much as I said before that I would let my baby cry it out, hubby, too, can distinguish his cries and is holding me back when we know nothing is wrong. In fact, Cooper rarely cries when he goes to bed now - he "talks" to himself until he falls asleep. Honestly, it's about the sweetest thing in the world.

And of course, I can't talk about this little man without a couple of sweet photos of him.

I stole daddy's spot!

Big wide eyes!

Me As A Mom: Bonding

During my pregnancy, I wondered how the bonding process with my baby would be. While he was inside me, I felt like Cooper and I had a great relationship. Some days, when I hadn't felt him move in awhile, I would say something like "please move for mommy" then he would kick within a minute! In fact, I think the only request he ever flat-out denied was to get out of my ribs - but seeing how big he is, I can kind of understand that now. 


Anyhow, I wondered how I would feel when the baby arrived. Sure, we got on great while he was inside me, but that was easy. All I had to do was eat semi-healthy, sleep and refrain from a few semi-dangerous activities to keep him healthy. 


I don't know if I ever mentioned it here, but I was actually kind of scared of babies. I mean, they are so small and tiny and can't express their wants to you. Honestly, I've never really been around a baby before, either. I was 5 when my younger sister was born and pretty young when my cousins were born as well. My 2.5 year old niece lives six hours away. One of my good friends has a 3 year old, but I didn't do a lot with him until he was about 5 months, since she lived with her parents for awhile after he was born. 


After our childbirth/infant care class, I *really* freaked out. They went through nothing in terms of taking care of a newborn - and I didn't even know how to swaddle! I've changed diapers, but never on someone so tiny. Heck, I was even afraid to burp such a tiny baby. 


So basically, I was scared of this sweet little angel. Despite what my husband, family and friends said, I just didn't know if I could take care of my baby. 


Couple that with the exhaustion/pain of labor, I was pretty out of it by the time Cooper was here and OK to be held. I remember after he was suctioned, checked, etc. the nurses let me hold him for a bit - and I made them place him in my arms. At this point, I was just in a daze and think I was more concerned with ordering lunch than holding my beautiful son. 


Soon after, Coop went to the nursery to be cleaned up and I finally got lunch. That turkey sandwich was amazing, let me tell you. Anyhow, my parents actually arrived before Coop got back from the nursery. Once he was wheeled in, they were pretty shocked when I insisted they go ahead and hold him, I'd already done so. They seemed concerned they were overstepping their bounds, but I assured them it was OK. 


The rest of the day, I think the only time I held my son was during feedings. Then, I made hubby place him in my arms and move him as needed. Any diaper changes or anything like that were also done by hubby, who was just in awe of Mr. Cooper. At night, he even had to help me get Coop situated during feedings. 


Thursday (one day pp) started out the same. At some point that afternoon, I was lying in bed and hubby handed Coop to me, and I nestled him in my arms and we took a short nap. I think that was when I actually "bonded" with my little angel. For once, I felt comfortable with him, although I still wasn't at the experienced mom stage. I started asking hubby to share with me and doing more with Coop. 

One day old - 11.24.11

Looking back now, it kind of breaks my heart that I did so little with Cooper during his first day. Heck, now I'm walking around the house at night in pitch dark holding him with just one arm. I'm lifting him above my head and all sorts of things I never thought I'd feel comfortable doing - and he's not even two weeks old yet. 


I've learned there is no "normal" when it comes to being a mom, so I'm OK with how things were handled - like I said, it does make me sad that I was sort of indifferent, but that's just my experience. By the time Coop and I had our first day alone together last Monday, I felt confident it was something I could do. 

12.3.11

Looking back, I'd say that while my fears were a big factor in our delayed bonding, that's not the only contributor. For one, due to his somewhat traumatic birth, Coop wasn't placed on my breast immediately after birth - he had to be moved to the corner of the room for his suctioning, assessment, etc. After reading all the benefits of skin-to-skin immediately after birth, I think that may have had something to do with it. 


Like most new moms, I was exhausted after giving birth. So I really just wanted to relax and let all of Cooper's visitors enjoy him while they were there. Plus, I have a super-awesome husband who has always been so in love with the idea of being a daddy, I don't think I felt that Coop was being neglected at any point. 


Finally, while being surprised by the gender was amazing and something we'll likely do again if/when there is a Baby No. 2, I think it took a bit to get used to the idea of having a son. Hubby and I had a deal that if it were a boy, he got to make final choice on a name and I did for a girl, and he waffled until Thursday night - so it took awhile for Cooper to have a true identity to me as well. 


That first day, I'm not sure I felt like "a baby" was worth all the exhaustion and pain I was in. By the time we left the hospital, I totally changed my mind. I would go through it all - kidney stones - and MORE again to have my sweet little Cooper. It just took a little time. 

12.2.11

I've already brainstormed a few other things I want to record my feelings on "as a mom" so this will become a bit of a series, I think. I not only want to remember this, since the blog is my journal, but I also have some pregnant readers who I think would benefit from my ramblings as well :)