There are so many posts I could write about the things I am struggling with right now. Gosh, I thought going back to an 8-5 work schedule would be the trick, but it's not. Sure, I enjoy the extra hour I get at home in the evening, but it's still not enough.
But I'm rambling. What I'm really struggling with right now is breastfeeding. I know that none of you can give me an answer about what's right for me & my family, but I really just need a place to vent. And something to look back on over the next few months, when I guarantee that I'll have these same feelings and emotions several times.
I've never made it a secret that I didn't intend to breastfeed at all, let alone more than six weeks, and definitely not eight months. But it's worked ... rather well. Whenever my supply has dipped, I've always been able to boost it back up. I've not once had to supplement with formula, and I love having less bottles to wash, saving money, and the "ease" of nursing.
I can't put my finger on the exact reason, but I'm just really not feeling it any more. Honestly? I'm sick of pumping. I abhor hearing the whine of the pump. I'm sick of being the first one out of bed. I hate having to be careful of what I eat & drink. I hate stressing over my supply and ensuring that he has plenty to eat. Most of all, I am not loving that my little man is beginning to use his teeth while nursing, and is just so squirmy.
Our nursing times used to be so sweet. We would sit in the glider and he would just stare in my eyes and it was one of my favorite times of the day. No matter what, no one could take that time away from me & my boy.
At this point, I'm just not sure what to do. I've considered exclusively pumping, but that would be a pain in the rear, take up more time in the morning/evening, and be more dishes, so it's probably a definite no.
I can give myself an attitude adjustment and tell myself to keep trucking on. I've made it over 8 months, so I'm 2/3 of the way there. It's working, so why quit now? Plus, unless there are any unforeseeable circumstances, my freezer stash will probably last for two to three weeks of "daytime" feedings, so come November, there's a good chance I can ditch the pump and just begin nursing morning & evening.
And of course, I can just throw in the towel right now. There is some "mommy guilt" associated with that. Plus the hit our bank account will take. But gosh, the freedom I feel it would give me would probably be priceless. No more wearing "nursing/pumping appropriate" clothing. No more having to find the right place to pump. No more taking the time out of my day for the pumping and all the feedings when we are at home. And no more having to swat away Cooper every morning while I pump because he is enthralled with the cords.
I've been working on this post for a few days. It's been ... a struggle ... to say the least. And now, I think I've decided to just pull on my big girl panties and continue as long as is possible. It's working, it's free, and it really is what's best for my little Cooper.
I can't guarantee that, come Nov. 23, I'll still be nursing. But, I also can't guarantee that I won't continue with one or two nursing sessions beyond his first birthday. I can say that those times when I'm nursing and our eyes lock, however, make it all worth it.